Saturday, February 20, 2010

You are invited to dinner at my place.

I was looking through the kitchen trying to find more disgusting muck to toss into my casserole when I found a can of "Treet". Not knowing that that was, I tried to decipher the label but about all I could make out was it contained mechanically separated pig sphincters, chicken eyes and whatever flies, cockroaches or other small woodland creatures happened to be in the sphincter trough when the lid slammed shut. I didn't use it. I used Kirkland tuna instead. The only extra ingredient in that is mercury.

I like to cook and I'm pretty good at it. I get invited to chef at holidays but I usually sit at home. I don't like to be a boring cook so I have a good time with it whenever I can. Today I made a tuna casserole which I won't eat and yesterday I made Southern Fried Chicken...which I won't eat either. 

But just in case I find someone to give this casserole to, I deboned the chicken and tossed it in. What usually happens is that I give this away and get invited to dinner in exchange. I eat all the salad.

The casserole is good...OK, it's great. So someone is choking it down and talking instead of paying attention to what they are eating and they get a big chunk of chicken. "What kind of casserole is this again"? 'Tuna'. "Tuna? What's this?!?!?" 'Oh, don't worry about THAT. It tastes just like chicken!'

I don't know how many people have spent time west of California, but I can tell you that in a lot of the world Westerners are told "that's chicken" and maybe it is chicken and maybe it ain't. Even in Hawaii if one goes to an ethnic party.

It's pretty funny to watch someone's face who realizes they are eating a tuna casserole but that chunk of meat isn't tuna...so they stop chewing and start imagining all the things it might be. By then the taste in their mouth isn't chicken OR tuna. It's a mixture...but no one mixes chicken with tuna, so it's easy to imagine dog or cat. Or rat if I have had my turn at table conversation already.

I'd suggest that if you cook and you want to spice up your life or would like a divorce, try it on your family sometime. Have fun! Add whole, raw oysters under the top of the sage dressing or replace someone's covered drink with egg whites. There is an old joke about replacing guacamole with wasabe and we do it a lot in Hawaii because both are always available. When someone takes a mouthful of that the next thing they do is going to be wrong. Same with the egg whites.

Here! Try my tuna casserole!


"The true danger is when liberty is nibbled away, for expedients, and by parts... the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing." -~Edmund Burke

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