No, it is not going to be published but the material is copyrighted (c) Tom Burnett, 1990, 1997, 2004, 2009, 2010. And no, I am not a 'Sicko' but actions have consequences. This is dedicated to the people who used to piss me off.
EVERY SINGLE CONSTRUCT IN THIS BOOK WORKS AS ADVERTISED UNLESS THERE IS STILL A STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS IN EFFECT SOMEWHERE, IN WHICH CASE I DREAMED IT!READING IT IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY! NEVER ATTEMPT ANY OF THESE THINGS! NEVER! NEVERNEVERNEVER.************************************ WHO'S WRITING THIS DOWN? CHAPTER ONE: THE MANAGEMENT OF HUMAN WASTE AT THE RESTAURANT:
Go to dinner with a person you really dislike. Put a raw oyster in a ziplock and take it with you. After
dinner, go to the bathroom and pop it in your mouth. When you are seated again, start coughing and choking
loudly and stand up. When everyone in the place is staring at you, gag the oyster out of your mouth slowly until
it "Plops" in the center of the table.....When I did it, the lady at the next table threw up all over her dinner
companions.....Chuckles galore. When the manager comes (and he will), yell "My God! EVERYONE in here
must be eating Maggots! Run out the door. Don't worry about the check. (Be careful not to get trampled by the
crowd.) If you REALLY hate the person, assume a disguise and leave the country. Have your relatives write
letters to the police and newspapers accusing (him/her) of murdering you. LITERATURE AND MOVIES:
Buy a bunch of sick and disgusting smut in paperback. Answer all of the ads in the back of these and
send copies of your friend's racy home movies. Use (his/her) name and give permission to distribute the video
commercially "Free..I like it when people watch." Then get a rubber stamp that says 'FROM THE PERSONAL
LIBRARY OF (your friend's name, address and phone number)'. Stamp it throughout the books and sneak them
into the children's section of the public library nearest your friend's home. Slip a few copies in with the hymnals
at your friend's church. (Put the rubber stamp in the bottom of their desk or somewhere else they would not
normally look.) If you REALLY hate the person, attend parties at (his/her) home. Use the phone to call the White House
switchboard and make threats against the President. If you would rather not risk time in a Federal prison wait
until the family goes on a long vacation and put a sign in the front yard that says 'Warning: this is the home of a
convicted child molester! Do not remove this sign by order of the Court.' SERIOUS JUNK MAIL:
For a man: Get a copy of his signature. Type a torrid love letter to his wife's best friend and copy the
signature on it. Include stuff like "You were right, the bimbo doesn't suspect a thing, but get the underwear out
from under the front seat of my car tomorrow, etc., etc." Put it in an addressed envelope and drop it in the box
by their house. MAKE SURE THE ENVELOPE HAS A RETURN ADDRESS BUT NO STAMP! Without a
stamp, the postal worker will deliver it right back to his wife. If you REALLY hate the person address the letter to another MAN and go into lurid detail about their
sex life. (Don't forget to put the underwear under the driver's seat of the car and always use ladies' underwear.)
Modify as needed if the victim is a woman. RECIPES:
Send a list of recipes to the local newspaper along with a letter extolling the wonderful health benefits
these recipes offer. Use the above signature. Say things like "Dog milk contains none of the artificial additives
found in regular milk.. The meat is better too. Young, medium-sized dogs are best and you can get all you want
free from the animal shelter. Collect a few kittens and you are half way to some lip-smacking Tom & Jerry
tacos. Many other things around the neighborhood can add flavor and variety to your meals. Be creative." If
you are living in Micronesia, don't waste your time with this. It will be considered a public service. If you REALLY hate the person, get some names of missing persons from the flyers in the Post Office
and name a few of the recipes after them. EASY FOR YOU TO SAY:
When you see that the victim is going to walk by your desk, pick up the phone and say "...two pigs
fighting in a sack! Don't be cruel, (name of victims' best friend). I think she looks very good.....No, I DON'T
think it's an uphill battle. What's the matter....Doesn't (name of victims' husband) want to (see) you anymore?"
Look around and notice victim standing there (trust me, she'll be standing there).....say "Gotta Go, Bye" and
hang up."...then, to the victim, say: "That was my sister Porky....ER, CORKY. She's having some problems
with your husband....I MEAN HER HUSBAND...... Sorry, I can't seem to talk at all today. Maybe if I have a
sack of fresh pigs...a SNACK of fresh FIGS I'll feel better!!!!." I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS LIKE THAT:
Find something your boss (and almost everyone else) is violently opposed to. Send donations in his
name asking for literature and bumper stickers. Put the bumper stickers on your victim's bumper and on the
back window of every car in the vicinity until you run out. If the "LITERATURE AND MOVIES" gag has
blown over, dig the rubber stamp out of the bottom of his desk. Stamp it on the literature (use a piece of paper
under the stamp so that the 'From the personal library of:' line doesn't print). Spread the literature around all the
public areas of your company; the executive lounge and meeting rooms. Throw some in the bathrooms. (Put
the stamp back in the desk.) THE NEW BOSS:
Buy gift subscriptions to various racist hate publications for people in your office. Pay for them with
postal money orders. Fill in your boss' name and address on the money orders and ask the publisher to include
gift cards that credit the victim with sending the gift. If you REALLY hate your new boss, buy HIS boss a life membership in the KKK, American Nazi Party,
etc. EX-GIRLFRIENDS:
Get a business card from a massage parlor or 'escort service'. Have a bunch of these printed up with her
name on them. Leave them around her work, in her neighbors mail boxes, on the windshield of her boss' car, in
any other place she frequents, and in all the sleazy dives in town. EX-BOYFRIENDS:
Whoever he is going with now is sure to make his life miserable anyway, but if you really must, send the
new girlfriend a dozen red roses. Put HER name on the box, and YOUR name on the card. It will look like
your idiotic ex is sending flowers to both of you and the florist mixed up the cards. He will have a really
difficult time trying to explain this away. If you REALLY hate the person, call the girlfriend. Tell her you don't appreciate the flowers and you are
tired of hearing how she is dead from the waist down. You are NOT going to meet him for lunch or whatever
he has in mind and if she can't keep him happy maybe she should take lessons from whoever he IS seeing at
lunch! (hang up without waiting for a reply.) EX-FRIENDS:
Xerox some forms and envelopes from 'The Greater Los Angeles AIDS Assistance Foundation' offering
"Help in your time of need." Address them to friends. Write "CONFIDENTIAL: To be opened only by
addressee" on the envelope and put them, unsealed, in their next door neighbors' mail boxes. Write a letter to your friend's 'lawyer' using the above signature. Say things like "I really have to insist
on my constitutional right to dispose of my remains as I see fit. I want to be ground up into summer sausage and
served on crackers at my own wake, and I don't want to discuss it again with the silly doctors at that institution.
They didn't understand at all about my mother's accident, that's why I left. And stop trying to find me. I don't
look anything like that picture they showed on "America's Most Wanted". Leave the letter on the floor, you
don't need an envelope. SEMPER FI:
Pick a friend who resembles you. Invite him or her to go water skiing for the day with mutual friends.
Beg off at the last moment but insist the friend go anyway. While they are gone, borrow your friend's I.D. and
use it to join the Marine Corps. I WONDER WHY HE SHAKES LIKE THAT:
Place ads in the 'personals' section of a major local newspaper in your victim's name. Copy an ad that
sounds disgusting to you. Since you are obviously a sick puppy anyway, you may have to read through a few to
find one that really disgusts you. If you REALLY hate the person, place the ad in the name of his spouse and send anonymous letters to
the victim. Enclose the ad and say that you were a participant in (whatever perverted activity the ad mentions),
with the spouse. Blackmail is a Federal crime, so offer to GIVE the pictures back to the victim "If I get MY
things back...you know what I mean." Which of course he doesn't and neither will his wife when he confronts
her. Insist on the return of your own property ("and nothing else"). Don't say what that property is. Get nasty
about it by the third letter. Make the warnings more and more ominous, but don't actually threaten to do
anything: "If I don't hear from you by the end of NEXT week I may have to do something unpleasant; If I don't
hear from you by the end of THIS week I will have to do something drastic; This is your last chance. If I don't
hear from you by tomorrow afternoon, I will be forced to resort to very drastic measures, and I hardly have to
describe what will happen then!" Don't describe what will happen then. The key to this is that you never actually threaten the victim, or give him any information at all (Make
SURE you don't). He does not know (1) Who you are; (2) What you want; (3) How to reach you; (3) What the
hell is going on; (4) What will happen when he can't meet your demands (which he doesn't know either). As the
deadline approaches, he will start to panic, especially since his wife can't tell him where your property is no
matter how much he begs and pleads. Even threats won't make her talk, because she doesn't know anything
about it either, but he will think she won't tell him because she is trying to hide some terrible guilty secret.
There is no way for him to do anything except sit around and let his imagination run wild. By the day of the
deadline he will be a real, gibbering walnut loaf. If you REALLY, REALLY hate the person wait a couple of days after the deadline and send him a card
saying "Never mind, I found my stuff so I gave the rest of the pictures back to (name of his wife). She sure looks
good in leather, doesn't she. Sorry for any inconvenience." (Don't get cute..If he finds out who did it he will kill you. YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY:
Pour five gallons of diesel fuel in the gas tank of his car. It will lower the octane rating of the gas so
much that the car won't run. This is almost impossible to detect. Eventually his mechanic will conclude that he
got a tank of bad gas at the last fill up. Naturally, if his car is diesel, fill the tank with gasoline. It will start
OK......once. If you can't open the gas cap, wedge some fresh road-kill on top of the catalytic converter. This is more difficult, but the results are interesting. Empty the air out of your victim's tires. Fill the
tires with water. Re-inflate with air until the tires hold the correct pressure. Remove the windshield wipers from the wiper arms. The next time the wipers are turned on, the wiper
arms will destroy the windshield before they can be turned off. Squirt Super Glue Gel or Weatherstripping cement in all the car door locks. Epoxy will work if you use
the kind in the self-mixing dispenser. The individual use packs are handy but hard to use without making a
mess or getting it all over yourself. If the car is unlocked the possibilities are almost endless, but use a little
finesse. First, wait until the car is at least one day out of warranty whenever possible. Don't bother with the
center console or glove compartment. Epoxy the driver's seat belt latch so it won't latch. He won't bother to get
it fixed until he has had seven or eight traffic tickets for not wearing the thing. Pour some Liquid Plumber ™
or Drano ™ in with his windshield washer fluid.) Squirt super glue in the turn signal control or the cruise
control. Depending on the season, set his heater or air conditioner at full blast and Super-glue the controls so they
won't turn move. Take a moment to adjust the headlights of your friend's car as far as they will go in any direction. Up and
to the left is better. There is one adjusting screw at the top and one on the side of each headlight. The tool you
need is available at parts stores for about $2. Scrape the registration tags off his license plate the night before he leaves for a cross-country trip. If he
has two cars, switch the license plates as well. Unless they are personalized plates, he will not notice. This is
guaranteed to amuse every police officer, highway patrolman and deputy sheriff along the route until his car is
impounded. AAAAK....IT'S GOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!
If you have any oysters left, balance one on his sun visor so it falls in his face when he accelerates hard,
like when he is trying to get on the freeway after work. This sort of thing freaks people out like you wouldn't
believe, and they let go of the steering wheel and make all kinds of gestures with their arms. If it's a woman,
put a couple of Tarantulas in the car. It's funnier if one crawls up her leg on the freeway, but if they just walk
around in the car she will notice them eventually and start doing interesting things. If his sunroof is cracked open, pour in a couple gallons of molasses, paint, fresh blood, oil from your last
oil change, etc. If you don't have those items handy, shove in a garden hose, turn it on and walk away. (This
also works if he is away from home and has a mail slot in his front door). In the middle of summer, half a
dozen rotten eggs, a gallon of very stale milk and a quart of vinegar or wine will take the cheap plastic smell
right out of that new Mercedes. If the car is fairly airtight and he is off for a week in Hawaii, use a fresh dead
animal with an intact body cavity. By the end of a week the car will never be used again. It will be worth twenty
eight dollars a ton and not a penny more. BETTER THAN COFFEE!:
If you know someone who drags in to work half asleep every morning, rig their car's air bags to fire
when the ignition is turned on. This will keep them from being drowsy. Their eyes will be as big as saucers
when they get to work if the shock doesn't stop their heart. If you REALLY hate the person sneak up behind them and pop balloons all day. MIDNIGHT PAINT & BODY:
If the victim yaps on and on about his stupid new car, wait until you absolutely can't stand it anymore.
Then get a few cans of spray paint and paint the car flat black, including the windows. This is especially funny
when the person comes out of a bar at 2AM Sunday morning. If you don't really want to ruin the car lace his last
rum and Coke with a tablespoon of Syrup of Ipecac and he will ruin his own car. THE CURE FOR ALCOHOLISM:
Take your alcoholic friend to a famous restaurant in San Diego. Get him on a bender. When he passes
out, drive him (in his car, naturally) to Tijuana. Pay one of the local cuties to give him a good case of VD. (Be
sure to get some pictures to send to his wife.) Leave him naked in a ditch on the outskirts of town don't leave
anything on him except some drugs in a bag on a chain around his neck. Have someone casually mention to a
police officer where they saw a gringo selling drugs. Sell his clothes, ID, and car. Hitch a ride back. If you
ever see him again (and you may not) punch him in the eye and say "That's for leaving me stranded me in San
Diego." If he is still drinking he probably has a good reason now. GAG ME WITH A SPOON:
If someone drinks out of a container that has a lid, prepare a duplicate container containing warm egg
whites, and switch them. When they get a mouthful you can tell them it's phlegm from an AIDS experiment
your son is doing at college. If you REALLY hate the person, follow up with: "It looks like someone in here has tuberculosis and had
to spit up". Stand way back.
(When I thought this up, I laughed so hard I almost soiled my clothing.)
WAITER, THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP:
Another crack-up is to go to the store and get a couple of salmon heads from the fresh fish counter.
They will give these to you free for the asking, because they throw them away. Take them home and carefully
remove the eyes. Float two of the eyes in someone's coffee, soup, etc. HOLY HOT STUFF, BATMAN!
You know that REAL hot green horseradish they serve in sushi bars? 'Wasabe' is the name of it. Well
if you make up a bowl of that and take it to the church social with chips around it, it looks exactly like avocado
or guacamole dip. When someone gets a big slug of that stuff, no matter what they do next will be wrong. I
know it for a fact, and so does my friend Len. ANTIDOTES FOR RUDE CALLERS:
"How many flies did it take to get your mother pregnant?" "You may contact my supervisor directly at 1-800" (hang up) "I have brought your letter of complaint to the executive suite to study it privately. It is a very serious
matter and I am going to send it down the line for processing. Rest assured that your letter will be
behind all of my movements today." (Flush toilet) "Can you hold a moment please?" Put them on hold and go to lunch. "You make the perfect case for mandatory birth control!" "Please give my regards to your father, Dr. Frankenstein." "Please give my regards to your mother when you see her down by the lake, or wherever your family
goes to catch flies for dinner." "Your father was obviously very fond of farm animals." "Don't your tonsils get sunburned with your mouth always open?" "Do you know who this is?"
(No!)
"Well then F___ You! (Hang up)"
(Unknown) During a phone conversation, yell suddenly": OH, NO! NOT THAT! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!"
Scream. Snap a wide rubber band over the mouthpiece. It will sound exactly like a gunshot to the party on the
line. Let the phone drop to the floor, hang it up, then go out to dinner. When you get back, roll your eyes and
say: "I'm sorry, officer. My mother-in-law must have stopped taking her Lithium again". WRONG NUMBERS:
Who? I... I'm so sorry, he's dead!
(start crying, hang up) PROBLEM BOYFRIENDS:
She can't come to the phone right now. Her AIDS screen came back positive and she is teaching (name
an ex-boyfriend) a lesson he'll never forget! Oh, you had better see a doctor too, not that it will do any good. RENTERS:
"The problem with that (house/apartment) is a 12-foot Python that lives in the sewer system and swims
up through the toilets. Please listen for him because he has been known to carry off small children. Be careful
not to hurt him in any way, it is an endangered species and there is a $25,000 fine." "I understand there is no heat in the unit. When the heat is turned on the rats come out in droves. The 5
pounds of DDT we sprayed in there yesterday didn't even faze them. The last person who turned on the heat is
still in the asylum, poor dear. Screams for hours at a time." GEE THAT'S NICE:
"Is that a new swimsuit? Where did you get it? It's gorgeous. You look just like a salmon!" (Do
salmon impression) JUST BACK FROM THE HAIRDRESSER:
MY GOD.. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU... WERE YOU MUGGED???
Oh, you mean it's SUPPOSED to look like that?
Oh....it...it's very nice. You look very nice like that. Gee, look at the time...I've got to run. REALLY INSULT A DATE:
(Male): "Oh, please. Put that thing back in its thimble."
(Male): "HA,HA,HA,HAHAHAHA" (laugh hysterically and point)
(Female): (wrinkle nose, start looking around) "Excuse me, the cat must have left another dead bat
in here." (Keep looking) "Whatever it is, it's making me sick."
(Either): (in bored voice) "That was wonderful. You should be a big hit in the ten-second sprint at
the Special Olympics." AT HOME:
Wait until the neighborhood gossip comes over. Pick up the phone and say: "No, (name of mutual
acquaintance) I really DO think you should come out of the closet. I'm sure that (name of his wife) will
understand. OK, I'll talk to you soon." Hang up. If the neighbor asks, say: "Oh. I didn't know you were here.
There's something I think you should know but I promised not to tell until someone has time to think about it." AT THE OFFICE:
"You broke a nail? I'm sorry...Here, let me Call Dr. Kevorkian for you. INEXPENSIVE TANNING BEDS:
Buy a microwave oven cheap at a yard sale. Take it apart, retaining the tube (and waveguide) and the
power supply. The noise you hear when you turn on a microwave is the fan. Don't worry about the fan, you
won't need it. Put the works in some clever place like in the attic over someone's bed. Set a timer to turn the
thing on a couple of hours after bedtime. The person will tan from the inside out. Don't put it under the bed
because the springs are metal, unless you like to hear fire engines. DELETED:
I took this one out. There's no way. People would be dropping like flies and no one would ever know
why. SEE NO EVIL:
Then there's the old, but horribly effective trick of replacing contact lens solution with extra-strength
super glue. Very nasty. Powdered glass can be added to the solution instead. I guess if you REALLY hated the
person you could throw some 'heat' scent on their new seeing-eye dog and watch the pack of wide-eyed male pit
bulls chase the person and their dog through traffic. CHANEL #13:
Other cute replacements are always available. Try replacing expensive perfume with pepper spray. The
kind that has permanent green dye is good, but don't get any on you. This causes no end of amusement. If you
have any powered glass left over mix it in toothpaste, embed it in suppositories, or let it float around in some
liquid preparation that is likely to be inserted in one orifice or another. THE LIGHT TOUCH:
This is as old as the hills too, maybe that's why it isn't remembered very often. Gently drill a tiny hole
in the base of a light bulb. VERY GENTLY, or the bulb will implode. After the vacuum is released, make the
hole larger and funnel in a few drops of gasoline. I saw a TV show once where someone filled the bulb to just
below the filament, so you didn't get it from me. Plug the hole with wax. Turn the switch off and replace the
bulb. Get the hell away from there. IT'S A GAS:
I'm not sure I want to tell you this one, but it's common knowledge too, since entire villages and small
towns have been made to disappear. If someone lives in an area where the ground forms a natural depression,
and there is absolutely no breeze some morning about 4:00 am, they want to be sure their gas line or propane
tank doesn't pick that time to leak because it will mix with air and form a fuel-air explosive. If it reached a
source of flame, it would likely resemble the mother of all barbeque pits. If it were shock-initiated, like with
detonating cord or an M-80, the natural depression would provide enough containment to allow detonation
instead of combustion. It would have about the same effect as several hundred pounds of high explosive. This
won't get rid of termites, but it will almost certainly ruin the day for anyone who is illicitly manufacturing
illegal drugs using volatile chemicals. FLY ME:
Now as we all know, many varieties of insects communicate quickly and over great distances by the
simple expedient (for them), of releasing chemical signals called pheromones. Different pheromones signal
different things and thus evoke different responses, but the point is that other members of the same species can
detect impossibly minute quantities of the stuff from a long way off. And when they do they will make
whatever response is appropriate according to their genetic programming. So: If you are saving a barn full of manure in case there is a shortage later in the year, you might discover
that you are also hoarding all the flies for miles around. And they don't seem disposed to 'Shoo' away I reckon.
No problem. Hearken on down to any store that sells bug zappers. They will have a neat new fly trap that
works much better than those things that you used to hang outside after you threw in a catfish for bait.
(Remember Big Stinky?)....Sure, it trapped a good many flies...But the smell after it was in the sun for a few
days was enough to make most people decide that the flies were kinda cute after all. Throw that Big Stinky
away, friends. Progress marches on...The new fly trap uses an odorless, colorless attractant that will get every
male fly for miles around to dive into the trap and die happy. Pheromones. Female fly pheromones. Poor flies
don't even have a chance. Wonderful. Now you can save that manure until winter. Mix a few hundred gallons
of diesel fuel in there with it and close the doors real tight, and you have enough explosive to remove most of
the county. Or, when the neighborhood urchins come around on the 4th. of July to throw M-80's at you, they
will learn a lesson when they throw one in there and you will be saved the cost of having the old relic torn down
(the barn.....not your spouse...I'll make the jokes in this book if you don't mind). OK. You have now been to the store and have returned with a quart of clear, odorless liquid. What to
do, what to do. Well if you know anyone that has ANY fanatical leanings (not just cult stuff, anything!), you
can generate a completely convincing sign from God, the Devil, a Weerowance, or almost anything else you
choose. Heck, imagine how interesting life can get if you manage to get a few drops in the lap of that really self-
centered, stuck-up person that you know. Or in the hair of your neighbors children. The kids freak out
immediately when a billion flies land on their faces and would rather die than leave. When mom sees it she will
probably have convulsions too. When you hear the shrieks coming from their house, call anonymously and say
that you are the Devil and have put your sign on their kids. Walk by their house at night and spray some on
their pets or on the outside of their bedroom and kitchen windows. Of course, ideally, you want to put it in
something that a person is going to apply to their facial area, armpits and crotch just before they appear as
finalists in the Miss America Pageant or attend a formal dinner at the White House. But don't count too much
on that happening. Even if it did, who the hell wants to have dinner with the Clintons? If you use a little
imagination you can just go on and on. Eventually so will your neighbors. But plan ahead and don't get caught.
Your neighbor might know where to get killer bee or army ant pheromones that say "Help! This thing is
attacking our nest!". (Yes, things like that exist and no, I won't tell you where to get them). You don't want to
get into a feud with this stuff. You do not want the other party to suspect what happened. Ever.
I know someone who did this, and I have newspaper clippings that describe what happened. But you
will have to take my word for it unless you happened to read the articles. WHAT WAS THAT????
Buy an inexpensive remote controlled car and put in the victim's attic, or under his house. Drive it
around for a few minutes about three every morning, until you see his lights come on. Or get an old cordless
phone with paging capabilities and hide the handset in an unlikely place and key the pager until his lights come
on. He will never be able to find it if you do it right. WHAT'S WRONG, DEAR?
Wait until no one is at home, and turn off his power at the meter box. Then switch the breakers around,
making sure that you change the values of all of them. At best, a breaker will blow every time someone turns
something on. At worse the house will burn down. Remove the list inside the box that shows what the breakers
control so they can't put things back.
Go to dinner with a person you really dislike. Put a raw oyster in a ziplock and take it with you. After
dinner, go to the bathroom and pop it in your mouth. When you are seated again, start coughing and choking
loudly and stand up. When everyone in the place is staring at you, gag the oyster out of your mouth slowly until
it "Plops" in the center of the table.....When I did it, the lady at the next table threw up all over her dinner
companions.....Chuckles galore. When the manager comes (and he will), yell "My God! EVERYONE in here
must be eating Maggots! Run out the door. Don't worry about the check. (Be careful not to get trampled by the
crowd.) If you REALLY hate the person, assume a disguise and leave the country. Have your relatives write
letters to the police and newspapers accusing (him/her) of murdering you. LITERATURE AND MOVIES:
Buy a bunch of sick and disgusting smut in paperback. Answer all of the ads in the back of these and
send copies of your friend's racy home movies. Use (his/her) name and give permission to distribute the video
commercially "Free..I like it when people watch." Then get a rubber stamp that says 'FROM THE PERSONAL
LIBRARY OF (your friend's name, address and phone number)'. Stamp it throughout the books and sneak them
into the children's section of the public library nearest your friend's home. Slip a few copies in with the hymnals
at your friend's church. (Put the rubber stamp in the bottom of their desk or somewhere else they would not
normally look.) If you REALLY hate the person, attend parties at (his/her) home. Use the phone to call the White House
switchboard and make threats against the President. If you would rather not risk time in a Federal prison wait
until the family goes on a long vacation and put a sign in the front yard that says 'Warning: this is the home of a
convicted child molester! Do not remove this sign by order of the Court.' SERIOUS JUNK MAIL:
For a man: Get a copy of his signature. Type a torrid love letter to his wife's best friend and copy the
signature on it. Include stuff like "You were right, the bimbo doesn't suspect a thing, but get the underwear out
from under the front seat of my car tomorrow, etc., etc." Put it in an addressed envelope and drop it in the box
by their house. MAKE SURE THE ENVELOPE HAS A RETURN ADDRESS BUT NO STAMP! Without a
stamp, the postal worker will deliver it right back to his wife. If you REALLY hate the person address the letter to another MAN and go into lurid detail about their
sex life. (Don't forget to put the underwear under the driver's seat of the car and always use ladies' underwear.)
Modify as needed if the victim is a woman. RECIPES:
Send a list of recipes to the local newspaper along with a letter extolling the wonderful health benefits
these recipes offer. Use the above signature. Say things like "Dog milk contains none of the artificial additives
found in regular milk.. The meat is better too. Young, medium-sized dogs are best and you can get all you want
free from the animal shelter. Collect a few kittens and you are half way to some lip-smacking Tom & Jerry
tacos. Many other things around the neighborhood can add flavor and variety to your meals. Be creative." If
you are living in Micronesia, don't waste your time with this. It will be considered a public service. If you REALLY hate the person, get some names of missing persons from the flyers in the Post Office
and name a few of the recipes after them. EASY FOR YOU TO SAY:
When you see that the victim is going to walk by your desk, pick up the phone and say "...two pigs
fighting in a sack! Don't be cruel, (name of victims' best friend). I think she looks very good.....No, I DON'T
think it's an uphill battle. What's the matter....Doesn't (name of victims' husband) want to (see) you anymore?"
Look around and notice victim standing there (trust me, she'll be standing there).....say "Gotta Go, Bye" and
hang up."...then, to the victim, say: "That was my sister Porky....ER, CORKY. She's having some problems
with your husband....I MEAN HER HUSBAND...... Sorry, I can't seem to talk at all today. Maybe if I have a
sack of fresh pigs...a SNACK of fresh FIGS I'll feel better!!!!." I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS LIKE THAT:
Find something your boss (and almost everyone else) is violently opposed to. Send donations in his
name asking for literature and bumper stickers. Put the bumper stickers on your victim's bumper and on the
back window of every car in the vicinity until you run out. If the "LITERATURE AND MOVIES" gag has
blown over, dig the rubber stamp out of the bottom of his desk. Stamp it on the literature (use a piece of paper
under the stamp so that the 'From the personal library of:' line doesn't print). Spread the literature around all the
public areas of your company; the executive lounge and meeting rooms. Throw some in the bathrooms. (Put
the stamp back in the desk.) THE NEW BOSS:
Buy gift subscriptions to various racist hate publications for people in your office. Pay for them with
postal money orders. Fill in your boss' name and address on the money orders and ask the publisher to include
gift cards that credit the victim with sending the gift. If you REALLY hate your new boss, buy HIS boss a life membership in the KKK, American Nazi Party,
etc. EX-GIRLFRIENDS:
Get a business card from a massage parlor or 'escort service'. Have a bunch of these printed up with her
name on them. Leave them around her work, in her neighbors mail boxes, on the windshield of her boss' car, in
any other place she frequents, and in all the sleazy dives in town. EX-BOYFRIENDS:
Whoever he is going with now is sure to make his life miserable anyway, but if you really must, send the
new girlfriend a dozen red roses. Put HER name on the box, and YOUR name on the card. It will look like
your idiotic ex is sending flowers to both of you and the florist mixed up the cards. He will have a really
difficult time trying to explain this away. If you REALLY hate the person, call the girlfriend. Tell her you don't appreciate the flowers and you are
tired of hearing how she is dead from the waist down. You are NOT going to meet him for lunch or whatever
he has in mind and if she can't keep him happy maybe she should take lessons from whoever he IS seeing at
lunch! (hang up without waiting for a reply.) EX-FRIENDS:
Xerox some forms and envelopes from 'The Greater Los Angeles AIDS Assistance Foundation' offering
"Help in your time of need." Address them to friends. Write "CONFIDENTIAL: To be opened only by
addressee" on the envelope and put them, unsealed, in their next door neighbors' mail boxes. Write a letter to your friend's 'lawyer' using the above signature. Say things like "I really have to insist
on my constitutional right to dispose of my remains as I see fit. I want to be ground up into summer sausage and
served on crackers at my own wake, and I don't want to discuss it again with the silly doctors at that institution.
They didn't understand at all about my mother's accident, that's why I left. And stop trying to find me. I don't
look anything like that picture they showed on "America's Most Wanted". Leave the letter on the floor, you
don't need an envelope. SEMPER FI:
Pick a friend who resembles you. Invite him or her to go water skiing for the day with mutual friends.
Beg off at the last moment but insist the friend go anyway. While they are gone, borrow your friend's I.D. and
use it to join the Marine Corps. I WONDER WHY HE SHAKES LIKE THAT:
Place ads in the 'personals' section of a major local newspaper in your victim's name. Copy an ad that
sounds disgusting to you. Since you are obviously a sick puppy anyway, you may have to read through a few to
find one that really disgusts you. If you REALLY hate the person, place the ad in the name of his spouse and send anonymous letters to
the victim. Enclose the ad and say that you were a participant in (whatever perverted activity the ad mentions),
with the spouse. Blackmail is a Federal crime, so offer to GIVE the pictures back to the victim "If I get MY
things back...you know what I mean." Which of course he doesn't and neither will his wife when he confronts
her. Insist on the return of your own property ("and nothing else"). Don't say what that property is. Get nasty
about it by the third letter. Make the warnings more and more ominous, but don't actually threaten to do
anything: "If I don't hear from you by the end of NEXT week I may have to do something unpleasant; If I don't
hear from you by the end of THIS week I will have to do something drastic; This is your last chance. If I don't
hear from you by tomorrow afternoon, I will be forced to resort to very drastic measures, and I hardly have to
describe what will happen then!" Don't describe what will happen then. The key to this is that you never actually threaten the victim, or give him any information at all (Make
SURE you don't). He does not know (1) Who you are; (2) What you want; (3) How to reach you; (3) What the
hell is going on; (4) What will happen when he can't meet your demands (which he doesn't know either). As the
deadline approaches, he will start to panic, especially since his wife can't tell him where your property is no
matter how much he begs and pleads. Even threats won't make her talk, because she doesn't know anything
about it either, but he will think she won't tell him because she is trying to hide some terrible guilty secret.
There is no way for him to do anything except sit around and let his imagination run wild. By the day of the
deadline he will be a real, gibbering walnut loaf. If you REALLY, REALLY hate the person wait a couple of days after the deadline and send him a card
saying "Never mind, I found my stuff so I gave the rest of the pictures back to (name of his wife). She sure looks
good in leather, doesn't she. Sorry for any inconvenience." (Don't get cute..If he finds out who did it he will kill you. YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY:
Pour five gallons of diesel fuel in the gas tank of his car. It will lower the octane rating of the gas so
much that the car won't run. This is almost impossible to detect. Eventually his mechanic will conclude that he
got a tank of bad gas at the last fill up. Naturally, if his car is diesel, fill the tank with gasoline. It will start
OK......once. If you can't open the gas cap, wedge some fresh road-kill on top of the catalytic converter. This is more difficult, but the results are interesting. Empty the air out of your victim's tires. Fill the
tires with water. Re-inflate with air until the tires hold the correct pressure. Remove the windshield wipers from the wiper arms. The next time the wipers are turned on, the wiper
arms will destroy the windshield before they can be turned off. Squirt Super Glue Gel or Weatherstripping cement in all the car door locks. Epoxy will work if you use
the kind in the self-mixing dispenser. The individual use packs are handy but hard to use without making a
mess or getting it all over yourself. If the car is unlocked the possibilities are almost endless, but use a little
finesse. First, wait until the car is at least one day out of warranty whenever possible. Don't bother with the
center console or glove compartment. Epoxy the driver's seat belt latch so it won't latch. He won't bother to get
it fixed until he has had seven or eight traffic tickets for not wearing the thing. Pour some Liquid Plumber ™
or Drano ™ in with his windshield washer fluid.) Squirt super glue in the turn signal control or the cruise
control. Depending on the season, set his heater or air conditioner at full blast and Super-glue the controls so they
won't turn move. Take a moment to adjust the headlights of your friend's car as far as they will go in any direction. Up and
to the left is better. There is one adjusting screw at the top and one on the side of each headlight. The tool you
need is available at parts stores for about $2. Scrape the registration tags off his license plate the night before he leaves for a cross-country trip. If he
has two cars, switch the license plates as well. Unless they are personalized plates, he will not notice. This is
guaranteed to amuse every police officer, highway patrolman and deputy sheriff along the route until his car is
impounded. AAAAK....IT'S GOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!
If you have any oysters left, balance one on his sun visor so it falls in his face when he accelerates hard,
like when he is trying to get on the freeway after work. This sort of thing freaks people out like you wouldn't
believe, and they let go of the steering wheel and make all kinds of gestures with their arms. If it's a woman,
put a couple of Tarantulas in the car. It's funnier if one crawls up her leg on the freeway, but if they just walk
around in the car she will notice them eventually and start doing interesting things. If his sunroof is cracked open, pour in a couple gallons of molasses, paint, fresh blood, oil from your last
oil change, etc. If you don't have those items handy, shove in a garden hose, turn it on and walk away. (This
also works if he is away from home and has a mail slot in his front door). In the middle of summer, half a
dozen rotten eggs, a gallon of very stale milk and a quart of vinegar or wine will take the cheap plastic smell
right out of that new Mercedes. If the car is fairly airtight and he is off for a week in Hawaii, use a fresh dead
animal with an intact body cavity. By the end of a week the car will never be used again. It will be worth twenty
eight dollars a ton and not a penny more. BETTER THAN COFFEE!:
If you know someone who drags in to work half asleep every morning, rig their car's air bags to fire
when the ignition is turned on. This will keep them from being drowsy. Their eyes will be as big as saucers
when they get to work if the shock doesn't stop their heart. If you REALLY hate the person sneak up behind them and pop balloons all day. MIDNIGHT PAINT & BODY:
If the victim yaps on and on about his stupid new car, wait until you absolutely can't stand it anymore.
Then get a few cans of spray paint and paint the car flat black, including the windows. This is especially funny
when the person comes out of a bar at 2AM Sunday morning. If you don't really want to ruin the car lace his last
rum and Coke with a tablespoon of Syrup of Ipecac and he will ruin his own car. THE CURE FOR ALCOHOLISM:
Take your alcoholic friend to a famous restaurant in San Diego. Get him on a bender. When he passes
out, drive him (in his car, naturally) to Tijuana. Pay one of the local cuties to give him a good case of VD. (Be
sure to get some pictures to send to his wife.) Leave him naked in a ditch on the outskirts of town don't leave
anything on him except some drugs in a bag on a chain around his neck. Have someone casually mention to a
police officer where they saw a gringo selling drugs. Sell his clothes, ID, and car. Hitch a ride back. If you
ever see him again (and you may not) punch him in the eye and say "That's for leaving me stranded me in San
Diego." If he is still drinking he probably has a good reason now. GAG ME WITH A SPOON:
If someone drinks out of a container that has a lid, prepare a duplicate container containing warm egg
whites, and switch them. When they get a mouthful you can tell them it's phlegm from an AIDS experiment
your son is doing at college. If you REALLY hate the person, follow up with: "It looks like someone in here has tuberculosis and had
to spit up". Stand way back.
(When I thought this up, I laughed so hard I almost soiled my clothing.)
WAITER, THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP:
Another crack-up is to go to the store and get a couple of salmon heads from the fresh fish counter.
They will give these to you free for the asking, because they throw them away. Take them home and carefully
remove the eyes. Float two of the eyes in someone's coffee, soup, etc. HOLY HOT STUFF, BATMAN!
You know that REAL hot green horseradish they serve in sushi bars? 'Wasabe' is the name of it. Well
if you make up a bowl of that and take it to the church social with chips around it, it looks exactly like avocado
or guacamole dip. When someone gets a big slug of that stuff, no matter what they do next will be wrong. I
know it for a fact, and so does my friend Len. ANTIDOTES FOR RUDE CALLERS:
"How many flies did it take to get your mother pregnant?" "You may contact my supervisor directly at 1-800" (hang up) "I have brought your letter of complaint to the executive suite to study it privately. It is a very serious
matter and I am going to send it down the line for processing. Rest assured that your letter will be
behind all of my movements today." (Flush toilet) "Can you hold a moment please?" Put them on hold and go to lunch. "You make the perfect case for mandatory birth control!" "Please give my regards to your father, Dr. Frankenstein." "Please give my regards to your mother when you see her down by the lake, or wherever your family
goes to catch flies for dinner." "Your father was obviously very fond of farm animals." "Don't your tonsils get sunburned with your mouth always open?" "Do you know who this is?"
(No!)
"Well then F___ You! (Hang up)"
(Unknown) During a phone conversation, yell suddenly": OH, NO! NOT THAT! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!"
Scream. Snap a wide rubber band over the mouthpiece. It will sound exactly like a gunshot to the party on the
line. Let the phone drop to the floor, hang it up, then go out to dinner. When you get back, roll your eyes and
say: "I'm sorry, officer. My mother-in-law must have stopped taking her Lithium again". WRONG NUMBERS:
Who? I... I'm so sorry, he's dead!
(start crying, hang up) PROBLEM BOYFRIENDS:
She can't come to the phone right now. Her AIDS screen came back positive and she is teaching (name
an ex-boyfriend) a lesson he'll never forget! Oh, you had better see a doctor too, not that it will do any good. RENTERS:
"The problem with that (house/apartment) is a 12-foot Python that lives in the sewer system and swims
up through the toilets. Please listen for him because he has been known to carry off small children. Be careful
not to hurt him in any way, it is an endangered species and there is a $25,000 fine." "I understand there is no heat in the unit. When the heat is turned on the rats come out in droves. The 5
pounds of DDT we sprayed in there yesterday didn't even faze them. The last person who turned on the heat is
still in the asylum, poor dear. Screams for hours at a time." GEE THAT'S NICE:
"Is that a new swimsuit? Where did you get it? It's gorgeous. You look just like a salmon!" (Do
salmon impression) JUST BACK FROM THE HAIRDRESSER:
MY GOD.. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU... WERE YOU MUGGED???
Oh, you mean it's SUPPOSED to look like that?
Oh....it...it's very nice. You look very nice like that. Gee, look at the time...I've got to run. REALLY INSULT A DATE:
(Male): "Oh, please. Put that thing back in its thimble."
(Male): "HA,HA,HA,HAHAHAHA" (laugh hysterically and point)
(Female): (wrinkle nose, start looking around) "Excuse me, the cat must have left another dead bat
in here." (Keep looking) "Whatever it is, it's making me sick."
(Either): (in bored voice) "That was wonderful. You should be a big hit in the ten-second sprint at
the Special Olympics." AT HOME:
Wait until the neighborhood gossip comes over. Pick up the phone and say: "No, (name of mutual
acquaintance) I really DO think you should come out of the closet. I'm sure that (name of his wife) will
understand. OK, I'll talk to you soon." Hang up. If the neighbor asks, say: "Oh. I didn't know you were here.
There's something I think you should know but I promised not to tell until someone has time to think about it." AT THE OFFICE:
"You broke a nail? I'm sorry...Here, let me Call Dr. Kevorkian for you. INEXPENSIVE TANNING BEDS:
Buy a microwave oven cheap at a yard sale. Take it apart, retaining the tube (and waveguide) and the
power supply. The noise you hear when you turn on a microwave is the fan. Don't worry about the fan, you
won't need it. Put the works in some clever place like in the attic over someone's bed. Set a timer to turn the
thing on a couple of hours after bedtime. The person will tan from the inside out. Don't put it under the bed
because the springs are metal, unless you like to hear fire engines. DELETED:
I took this one out. There's no way. People would be dropping like flies and no one would ever know
why. SEE NO EVIL:
Then there's the old, but horribly effective trick of replacing contact lens solution with extra-strength
super glue. Very nasty. Powdered glass can be added to the solution instead. I guess if you REALLY hated the
person you could throw some 'heat' scent on their new seeing-eye dog and watch the pack of wide-eyed male pit
bulls chase the person and their dog through traffic. CHANEL #13:
Other cute replacements are always available. Try replacing expensive perfume with pepper spray. The
kind that has permanent green dye is good, but don't get any on you. This causes no end of amusement. If you
have any powered glass left over mix it in toothpaste, embed it in suppositories, or let it float around in some
liquid preparation that is likely to be inserted in one orifice or another. THE LIGHT TOUCH:
This is as old as the hills too, maybe that's why it isn't remembered very often. Gently drill a tiny hole
in the base of a light bulb. VERY GENTLY, or the bulb will implode. After the vacuum is released, make the
hole larger and funnel in a few drops of gasoline. I saw a TV show once where someone filled the bulb to just
below the filament, so you didn't get it from me. Plug the hole with wax. Turn the switch off and replace the
bulb. Get the hell away from there. IT'S A GAS:
I'm not sure I want to tell you this one, but it's common knowledge too, since entire villages and small
towns have been made to disappear. If someone lives in an area where the ground forms a natural depression,
and there is absolutely no breeze some morning about 4:00 am, they want to be sure their gas line or propane
tank doesn't pick that time to leak because it will mix with air and form a fuel-air explosive. If it reached a
source of flame, it would likely resemble the mother of all barbeque pits. If it were shock-initiated, like with
detonating cord or an M-80, the natural depression would provide enough containment to allow detonation
instead of combustion. It would have about the same effect as several hundred pounds of high explosive. This
won't get rid of termites, but it will almost certainly ruin the day for anyone who is illicitly manufacturing
illegal drugs using volatile chemicals. FLY ME:
Now as we all know, many varieties of insects communicate quickly and over great distances by the
simple expedient (for them), of releasing chemical signals called pheromones. Different pheromones signal
different things and thus evoke different responses, but the point is that other members of the same species can
detect impossibly minute quantities of the stuff from a long way off. And when they do they will make
whatever response is appropriate according to their genetic programming. So: If you are saving a barn full of manure in case there is a shortage later in the year, you might discover
that you are also hoarding all the flies for miles around. And they don't seem disposed to 'Shoo' away I reckon.
No problem. Hearken on down to any store that sells bug zappers. They will have a neat new fly trap that
works much better than those things that you used to hang outside after you threw in a catfish for bait.
(Remember Big Stinky?)....Sure, it trapped a good many flies...But the smell after it was in the sun for a few
days was enough to make most people decide that the flies were kinda cute after all. Throw that Big Stinky
away, friends. Progress marches on...The new fly trap uses an odorless, colorless attractant that will get every
male fly for miles around to dive into the trap and die happy. Pheromones. Female fly pheromones. Poor flies
don't even have a chance. Wonderful. Now you can save that manure until winter. Mix a few hundred gallons
of diesel fuel in there with it and close the doors real tight, and you have enough explosive to remove most of
the county. Or, when the neighborhood urchins come around on the 4th. of July to throw M-80's at you, they
will learn a lesson when they throw one in there and you will be saved the cost of having the old relic torn down
(the barn.....not your spouse...I'll make the jokes in this book if you don't mind). OK. You have now been to the store and have returned with a quart of clear, odorless liquid. What to
do, what to do. Well if you know anyone that has ANY fanatical leanings (not just cult stuff, anything!), you
can generate a completely convincing sign from God, the Devil, a Weerowance, or almost anything else you
choose. Heck, imagine how interesting life can get if you manage to get a few drops in the lap of that really self-
centered, stuck-up person that you know. Or in the hair of your neighbors children. The kids freak out
immediately when a billion flies land on their faces and would rather die than leave. When mom sees it she will
probably have convulsions too. When you hear the shrieks coming from their house, call anonymously and say
that you are the Devil and have put your sign on their kids. Walk by their house at night and spray some on
their pets or on the outside of their bedroom and kitchen windows. Of course, ideally, you want to put it in
something that a person is going to apply to their facial area, armpits and crotch just before they appear as
finalists in the Miss America Pageant or attend a formal dinner at the White House. But don't count too much
on that happening. Even if it did, who the hell wants to have dinner with the Clintons? If you use a little
imagination you can just go on and on. Eventually so will your neighbors. But plan ahead and don't get caught.
Your neighbor might know where to get killer bee or army ant pheromones that say "Help! This thing is
attacking our nest!". (Yes, things like that exist and no, I won't tell you where to get them). You don't want to
get into a feud with this stuff. You do not want the other party to suspect what happened. Ever.
I know someone who did this, and I have newspaper clippings that describe what happened. But you
will have to take my word for it unless you happened to read the articles. WHAT WAS THAT????
Buy an inexpensive remote controlled car and put in the victim's attic, or under his house. Drive it
around for a few minutes about three every morning, until you see his lights come on. Or get an old cordless
phone with paging capabilities and hide the handset in an unlikely place and key the pager until his lights come
on. He will never be able to find it if you do it right. WHAT'S WRONG, DEAR?
Wait until no one is at home, and turn off his power at the meter box. Then switch the breakers around,
making sure that you change the values of all of them. At best, a breaker will blow every time someone turns
something on. At worse the house will burn down. Remove the list inside the box that shows what the breakers
control so they can't put things back.
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